I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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