the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
