He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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