Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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