At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Randomize
