I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
