There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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