This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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