did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
