plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
they need to just BURY HIM!
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
