I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
