Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
