it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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