I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
