Well douche your snatch and let's go!
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
