Banned from zoo.
Again?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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