he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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