3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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