I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
