All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
