I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
