Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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