Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
