totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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