So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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