Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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