I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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