HIV tests are more positive than that guy
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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