So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
