Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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