i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
