I have demons in me.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
