It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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