Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
