my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
