I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
