I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Don't EVER smell your tampon
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
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