how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
