my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
