The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
