I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
