Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
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