My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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