I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
