Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
jump out the window naked night went bad
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
