Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
