How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
