Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
