I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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