So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
