see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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