I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Randomize
