My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
