What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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