can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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