my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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