no, he came in my armpit
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Who died my cat blue again?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
