College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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