I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
